I had it all planned out. The birth would go a certain way. I’d breastfeed easily because I’d done all the research. My baby would sleep in the bassinet from day one because I’d established good habits early. I’d keep up with my hobbies and friendships because balance is important. My house would stay relatively organized because I’m a competent person.
By week two, none of it had gone according to plan.
The birth was nothing like I’d envisioned. Breastfeeding was excruciating despite “doing everything right.” My baby only slept on me. I hadn’t showered in three days, much less seen friends. My house looked like a disaster zone. And I was unraveling.
I kept trying to force things back into control—researching more, implementing new strategies, staying up later to “get things done,” berating myself for not managing better. The harder I gripped, the more everything slipped through my fingers.
It took me months to understand: I wasn’t failing at control. Motherhood was teaching me that control was an illusion I’d been clinging to my entire life.
If you’re exhausted from trying to manage everything, frustrated that nothing is going according to plan, or feeling like you’re failing because you can’t make things work the way you think they should—this is for you. Because the path to peace in motherhood isn’t more control. It’s learning what to let go.
The Illusion of Control
Before becoming a mother, you likely had significant control over your life. You controlled:
- Your schedule and time
- Your body and appearance
- Your sleep and rest
- Your social life and relationships
- Your environment and space
- Your productivity and accomplishments
- Your emotional state and regulation
Sure, unexpected things happened, but largely you could plan, predict, and manage your daily existence.
Then you became a mother.
Suddenly, you control almost nothing. Your baby’s needs determine your schedule. Your body is different and unpredictable. Sleep happens (or doesn’t) on someone else’s timeline. Your emotions swing wildly due to hormones and exhaustion. Your plans are constantly disrupted. Your accomplishments are invisible and unmeasurable.
For people who’ve relied on control to feel safe, capable, and worthy—this is terrifying.
The instinct is to try harder to regain control. To implement more systems, follow more schedules, perfect more routines, research more strategies. To believe that if you just do it right enough, you can make motherhood feel manageable.
But here’s the truth: the harder you try to control motherhood, the more you suffer.
Not because you’re incompetent, but because you’re fighting against the fundamental nature of raising a small human. Babies are not controllable. Toddlers are not predictable. Motherhood is, by its very nature, uncontrollable.
The path forward isn’t more control. It’s discernment about what actually can be influenced and radical acceptance of what can’t.
What You Actually Can’t Control (No Matter How Hard You Try)
Your Baby’s Temperament
Some babies are easy-going. Some are high-needs. Some sleep well; others don’t. Some breastfeed easily; others struggle. Some are content being put down; others need constant contact.
You didn’t cause your baby’s temperament, and you can’t change it.
Yes, you can respond to your baby’s needs. Yes, your parenting matters. But you cannot force a high-needs baby to be easy-going or a contact-napper to sleep independently before they’re developmentally ready.
Trying to control temperament leads to:
- Blaming yourself for your baby’s natural characteristics
- Constantly searching for the “solution” that will change who your baby is
- Feeling like a failure when strategies that work for other babies don’t work for yours
- Resenting your baby for not being different
What to do instead: Learn who your baby actually is rather than trying to make them who you thought they’d be. Adjust your expectations and strategies to match their reality.
Your Baby’s Timeline
Babies develop on their own schedules. Some sleep through the night at 8 weeks; others take two years. Some walk at 9 months; others at 15 months. Some wean easily; others don’t.
You cannot force developmental milestones to happen faster.
Yes, you can provide supportive environments. Yes, you can work with your baby’s readiness. But you cannot control the timeline of sleep consolidation, motor development, language acquisition, or any other developmental process.
Trying to control development leads to:
- Constantly comparing your baby to others and feeling behind
- Implementing sleep training or other interventions before your baby is ready
- Feeling like your baby’s pace reflects your competence
- Missing who your baby is right now because you’re focused on what they’re not doing yet
What to do instead: Follow your baby’s cues. Trust their timeline. Stop comparing to others. Be present for this phase instead of rushing to the next.
Your Body’s Postpartum Recovery
Your body will heal and change on its own timeline. Some people’s bodies return close to pre-pregnancy; others don’t. Some lose weight while breastfeeding; others retain it until after weaning. Some people’s stretch marks fade significantly; others remain visible.
You cannot control your body’s healing timeline or final outcome.
Yes, you can support recovery through rest, nutrition, and appropriate movement. But you cannot force your body to heal faster, look different, or conform to external timelines.
Trying to control recovery leads to:
- Pushing yourself physically before you’re healed
- Restricting food or over-exercising in ways that harm recovery
- Feeling like a failure when your body doesn’t “bounce back”
- Missing the present because you’re waiting for your body to be “right” again
What to do instead: Accept that your body needs time. Define health beyond the scale. Trust your body’s wisdom about what it needs to heal.
Other People’s Opinions and Judgments
Family members will have opinions. Strangers will offer unsolicited advice. Social media will show you countless “right” ways to parent that contradict each other.
You cannot control what others think, say, or believe about your parenting.
Yes, you can set boundaries about what you’ll accept in your presence. Yes, you can limit exposure to judgment. But you cannot make everyone approve of your choices or stop having opinions.
Trying to control others’ opinions leads to:
- Constant defending and justifying your choices
- Making decisions based on others’ approval rather than what works for your family
- Exhausting yourself trying to please everyone
- Feeling criticized and judged constantly
What to do instead: Get clear on your values and choices. Set firm boundaries. Accept that some people will disagree and that’s okay. Stop explaining yourself to people who aren’t genuinely trying to understand.
Your Identity Transformation
Matrescence—the identity shift into motherhood—is profound and often disorienting. You’re becoming someone new while parts of your old self dissolve.
You cannot control how or when your identity integrates.
Yes, you can journal through the process. Yes, you can seek support. But you cannot force yourself to feel like yourself again on a specific timeline or prevent the grief that comes with identity loss.
Trying to control identity transformation leads to:
- Forcing yourself to be who you were before you’re ready
- Feeling guilty about grieving your old life
- Pressuring yourself to love motherhood immediately
- Judging yourself for the difficulty of the transition
What to do instead: Allow space for both grief and growth. Trust that integration happens over time. Be patient with the process of becoming.
Mental Health Symptoms
If you’re experiencing postpartum anxiety, rage, depression, or intrusive thoughts, you cannot simply will these away.
Mental health symptoms are medical conditions, not choices or failures of willpower.
Yes, you can pursue treatment. Yes, you can develop coping strategies. But you cannot control whether or when symptoms appear, and you cannot make them disappear through positive thinking or trying harder.
Trying to control mental health symptoms leads to:
- Blaming yourself for having them
- Suffering in silence because you “should” be able to handle it
- Delaying treatment while trying to “fix it yourself”
- Shame about needing professional help
What to do instead: Recognize symptoms as medical conditions requiring treatment. Seek professional help. Use coping strategies while pursuing treatment. Release shame about needing support.
Your Partner’s Learning Curve
Your partner (if you have one) will make mistakes, do things differently than you would, and learn at their own pace.
You cannot control how fast or how well your partner learns infant care.
Yes, you can communicate needs. Yes, you can expect genuine effort and equal partnership. But you cannot download your knowledge directly into their brain or make them as instantly competent as you may have become.
Trying to control your partner’s learning leads to:
- Micromanaging and hovering
- Redoing everything they do
- Creating a dynamic where you’re the manager and they’re the incompetent helper
- Resentment on both sides
What to do instead: Let them learn through experience (even mistakes). Resist the urge to intervene unless safety is at risk. Divide the mental load and let them fully own their domains. Accept that different doesn’t mean wrong.
What You Can Influence (But Not Control)
These areas allow some influence, but trying to control them creates suffering:
Your Baby’s Environment
You can create supportive conditions for sleep, development, and wellbeing, but you can’t guarantee specific outcomes.
What influence looks like:
- Providing safe sleep spaces (they may or may not use them as intended)
- Offering appropriate stimulation (they’ll engage when interested)
- Creating routines (they’ll follow them… until they don’t)
What control looks like:
- Becoming rigid about schedules or methods
- Feeling like a failure when your baby doesn’t respond as expected
- Trying to force your baby into patterns they’re not ready for
The middle path: Offer structure and support while remaining flexible. Adjust strategies when they’re not working. Accept that your best effort doesn’t guarantee specific results.
Your Emotions
You can develop strategies to regulate emotions and process difficult feelings, but you can’t simply decide not to feel what you feel.
What influence looks like:
- Using mindfulness practices when overwhelmed
- Seeking therapy for persistent struggles
- Identifying and meeting needs that affect emotional state
- Developing coping strategies for difficult moments
What control looks like:
- Believing you should be able to just stop feeling angry/sad/anxious
- Judging yourself harshly for emotions you’re experiencing
- Suppressing feelings rather than processing them
The middle path: Accept emotions as information about your needs and state. Use strategies to manage intensity without expecting to eliminate uncomfortable feelings entirely.
Your Support System
You can ask for help and build community, but you can’t force specific people to show up how you need them to.
What influence looks like:
- Making specific requests for support
- Building relationships with authentic mom friends
- Setting boundaries with unhelpful people
- Hiring professional help when needed
What control looks like:
- Expecting specific people (family, friends) to read your mind or automatically provide what you need
- Staying in relationships that consistently fail to support you while hoping they’ll change
- Believing you should be able to make it work without help
The middle path: Be clear and direct about needs. Accept who people actually are rather than who you wish they’d be. Build diverse support rather than relying on people who can’t or won’t show up.
Your Standards and Expectations
You have complete control over your own standards, but releasing impossible expectations is necessary for mental health.
What influence looks like:
- Consciously choosing “good enough” over perfect
- Adjusting standards based on current capacity
- Letting go of expectations that create suffering without benefit
What control looks like:
- Maintaining pre-baby standards despite radically different circumstances
- Believing lowering standards means you’re failing
- Using perfectionism as protection against judgment
The middle path: Regularly reassess what actually matters. Release standards that serve only to exhaust you. Embrace “good enough” as a revolutionary act.
What You Should Actually Let Go Of
These are common areas where releasing control leads to greater peace:
Let Go of the Perfect Birth Story
If your birth didn’t go as planned—whether it was traumatic, included interventions you didn’t want, or just wasn’t the empowering experience you hoped for—you may be holding onto disappointment or even trauma.
What helps:
- Grieve the experience you didn’t have
- Process the experience you did have (potentially with a therapist)
- Separate your baby’s health from feelings about the birth
- Release the story that a different birth would have made everything easier
Your birth story matters and deserves processing, but it doesn’t determine your worth as a mother or predict your motherhood experience.
Let Go of How You “Should” Feed Your Baby
Whether breastfeeding didn’t work out, you chose formula, you’re pumping exclusively, or you’re combination feeding—let go of the feeding plan you thought you’d have.
What helps:
- Make feeding decisions based on what works for your actual situation
- Stop defending your choice to others (or yourself)
- Grieve if feeding hasn’t gone how you hoped
- Accept that fed is genuinely what matters most
How your baby is fed doesn’t determine their long-term outcomes or your success as a mother.
Let Go of Your Pre-Baby Life
The hobbies, spontaneity, social life, body, career trajectory, relationship dynamic—much of your pre-baby life is gone or dramatically changed.
What helps:
- Allow yourself to grieve what you’ve lost
- Stop trying to force your old life into your new reality
- Gradually explore what’s possible now rather than what used to be
- Accept that this season is temporary but real
Pretending you can maintain your pre-baby life while caring for an infant creates exhaustion and failure. Accepting change creates space for what’s possible now.
Let Go of Constant Productivity
You’re used to measuring days by accomplishments. With an infant, many days your only accomplishment is survival.
What helps:
- Redefine productivity to include invisible work (feeding, soothing, being present)
- Accept that some days keeping everyone alive is enough
- Release the need to prove your value through visible output
- Trust that this season’s work is legitimate even when unmeasurable
Your worth isn’t determined by how much you produce. Caring for an infant is profound work even when it leaves no visible trace.
Let Go of Looking a Certain Way
Your body changed. Your wardrobe doesn’t fit. You’re often in pajamas or covered in spit-up. You don’t look like yourself.
What helps:
- Get clothes that fit your current body instead of waiting to “get back” to a certain size
- Accept that appearance is low priority during this intensive season
- Challenge the inner critic that says you should look different
- Separate your worth from your appearance
How you look doesn’t determine your value or success as a mother. Comfort and function matter more than aesthetics right now.
Let Go of Doing It All Alone
The expectation that you should handle everything yourself without support is harmful and unrealistic.
What helps:
- Recognize that humans evolved to raise children in community
- Practice asking for specific help
- Accept support without guilt
- Share the mental load with your partner
Needing help isn’t weakness—it’s biology. The village you need doesn’t appear magically; you build it by releasing the expectation that you should do it all alone.
Let Go of Other People’s Timelines
Everyone has opinions about when you should return to work, stop breastfeeding, move the baby to their own room, sleep train, introduce solids, wean from contact naps—everything.
What helps:
- Get clear on your values and what works for your family
- Set boundaries with people who pressure you
- Stop justifying your timeline to others
- Trust that you know your baby and family better than anyone else
Your family’s timeline is the only one that matters. Others’ opinions are just noise.
Let Go of the “Right Way”
There are countless parenting philosophies, each claiming to be correct. Attachment parenting, gentle parenting, structured schedules, baby-led approaches—all contradicting each other.
What helps:
- Take what works from various approaches and leave the rest
- Accept that what works changes as your baby changes
- Trust your judgment about what feels right for your family
- Release the search for the one perfect method
There’s no single right way. There’s what works for your specific baby in this specific season.
How to Practice Letting Go
1. Distinguish Between Preferences and Control
Preference: “I prefer my baby sleeps in the bassinet” Control: “My baby must sleep in the bassinet or I’m failing”
Hold preferences lightly. Meet them when possible, adjust when necessary. Don’t turn preferences into rigid requirements that create suffering.
2. Ask “What’s Actually at Stake?”
When you’re trying to control something, ask: What do I believe will happen if I don’t control this?
Often the fear is disproportionate to reality:
- “If I don’t get them on a schedule, they’ll never sleep well” → Actually, they’ll sleep when developmentally ready
- “If I don’t lose the weight now, I never will” → Actually, bodies change over time regardless of urgent intervention
- “If I don’t do this perfectly, I’m ruining them” → Actually, good enough parenting is all children need
Identifying the catastrophic thinking underneath control attempts helps you release them.
3. Practice “And Also” Thinking
Replace “either/or” with “and also”:
- “I love my baby AND ALSO this is incredibly hard”
- “I’m grateful for my child AND ALSO I grieve my old life”
- “I want to do well AND ALSO I need to accept my limitations”
This reduces the pressure to control your experience into a single acceptable narrative.
4. Notice Your Body
Control attempts create physical tension. Notice:
- Clenched jaw
- Tight shoulders
- Shallow breathing
- Stomach tension
When you notice these, it’s a cue that you’re trying to control something uncontrollable. Breathe, relax your body, and ask what you need to let go of.
5. Develop Tolerance for Uncertainty
Control is often about trying to eliminate uncertainty. But motherhood is uncertain.
Practice:
- Sit with not knowing how things will turn out
- Make decisions with incomplete information
- Accept that you’re doing your best without guarantee of specific outcomes
- Trust that you’ll handle whatever comes rather than trying to prevent all difficulties
6. Regularly Reassess
What you could control before baby is different than now. What you can influence at 2 weeks postpartum is different than 2 months or 2 years.
Regularly ask:
- What am I trying to control that I need to let go of?
- What’s actually within my influence right now?
- What expectations need adjusting based on current reality?
Letting go isn’t one-time—it’s ongoing reassessment as circumstances change.
What Happens When You Let Go
Releasing control doesn’t mean becoming passive or giving up. It means:
You stop fighting reality: Energy previously spent trying to make things different becomes available for working with what is.
Suffering decreases: Much of your distress comes from resistance to how things are. Acceptance reduces that suffering.
You become more present: When you’re not constantly trying to control the future or fix the present, you can actually be here now.
Decision-making becomes clearer: Without attachment to specific outcomes, you can choose based on current information rather than rigid plans.
Relationships improve: Releasing control of your partner, family members, and even your baby creates space for genuine connection.
You experience more joy: When you’re not consumed by managing everything, you can actually notice beautiful moments.
You model healthy adaptation: Your children learn that life involves adjusting to circumstances rather than forcing reality to conform to plans.
The Paradox
Here’s the strange truth: when you stop trying so hard to control everything, you often get better outcomes.
Babies sense and respond to your tension. Partners step up when given space to learn. Your body heals better with rest than with forced exercise. Your mental health improves when you stop fighting your experience.
The peace you’re seeking through control is actually on the other side of letting go.
Starting Today
If you’re exhausted from trying to control everything, start here:
Identify one thing you’re trying to control that’s creating suffering.
Ask yourself:
- Can I actually control this?
- What am I afraid will happen if I let go?
- What would it feel like to accept this as it is?
Choose to release it. Not forever necessarily, just for today.
Notice how it feels to stop fighting. You might feel:
- Relief (even if accompanied by fear)
- Grief (for the plan/outcome you wanted)
- Vulnerability (without control as protection)
- Space (without the constant effort of managing)
All of these feelings are valid. Sitting with them is part of letting go.
The Truth About Control
You never really had as much control as you thought you did. Motherhood just made the illusion impossible to maintain.
And while that’s terrifying initially, it’s also liberating.
You don’t have to manage everything. You don’t have to have all the answers. You don’t have to make it perfect. You don’t have to control outcomes.
You just have to show up, respond to what’s actually in front of you, adjust as needed, and trust that you and your baby will figure this out together.
The exhaustion you feel from trying to control everything? It can ease. The anxiety about everything going wrong? It can soften. The pressure to do it all perfectly? You can release it.
Not because you’re giving up, but because you’re finally accepting what was always true: some things are beyond your control, and that’s okay.
Motherhood doesn’t require perfection or total control. It requires presence, flexibility, and the courage to keep showing up even when nothing goes according to plan.
You have those things. You’ve been demonstrating them every day, even while exhausting yourself trying to control the uncontrollable.
What if you stopped fighting? What if you let go? What if you trusted that you’re doing enough, your baby is okay, and it doesn’t all have to be perfectly managed?
That’s not giving up. That’s finding the actual path through.
Need Support Learning to Let Go?
If you’re exhausted from trying to control everything, struggling with perfectionism, or finding it difficult to accept the uncertainty of motherhood, I can help you develop practices for releasing control and finding peace with what is.
Book a session with me to work through control patterns, develop acceptance practices, and build resilience for motherhood’s inherent unpredictability.
Inner critic making it hard to let go of perfection? Read: Breaking the Cycle: Identifying and Quieting Your Inner Critic as a Mother
Struggling with overwhelming anxiety about everything? Check out: The Link Between Sleep Deprivation and Postpartum Anxiety (And What to Do)ImproveExplain
