I stopped breastfeeding at six weeks. My milk supply was fine. My baby was gaining weight. I just… couldn’t do it anymore. The pain, the anxiety, the constant feeling of being trapped—I couldn’t take it.

So I switched to formula. And my baby thrived. She was happy, healthy, growing beautifully.

But two years later, I was still carrying crushing guilt. I’d replay those weeks in my mind, wondering if I’d given up too easily. If I’d tried one more thing, consulted one more specialist, pushed through one more week—maybe it would have gotten better. Maybe I’d robbed my daughter of something important because I couldn’t handle temporary discomfort.

The guilt was eating me alive. Not because my daughter showed any ill effects—she didn’t. But because I couldn’t forgive myself for making a decision my inner critic labeled as failure.

If you’re haunted by postpartum decisions you made—about feeding, sleeping, returning to work, your birth, medical choices, how you handled those early months—this is for you. Because carrying guilt about the past doesn’t change it. It just steals your present.

The Decisions That Haunt Us

Postpartum guilt can attach to virtually any decision, but some are particularly common:

Feeding decisions:

Stopping breastfeeding “too early”
Not trying harder to make breastfeeding work
Supplementing with formula
Not breastfeeding at all
Continuing to breastfeed when you wanted to stop

Sleep decisions:

Sleep training (or not sleep training)
Co-sleeping (or not co-sleeping)
Letting them cry (or never letting them cry)
Not establishing better sleep habits earlier

Work and childcare:

Returning to work “too soon”
Staying home when you wanted to work
The childcare choice you made
Not taking enough maternity leave

Medical and health choices:

Accepting interventions during birth
Not advocating harder for yourself during birth
Medication decisions (for you or baby)
Vaccination timing or choices
How you handled illness or health concerns

Mental health:

Not asking for help sooner
Not recognizing postpartum anxiety or depression earlier
How you handled rage or difficult emotions
Things you said or did during mental health struggles

Time and presence:

Not being present enough
Missing moments because you were overwhelmed
Not bonding immediately
Feeling resentful during the newborn stage
Not enjoying it more

Relationship decisions:

How you handled relationship strain with your partner
Boundaries you set (or didn’t set) with family
Distance that developed in friendships
How you treated people during that time

The common thread: You made a decision under specific circumstances, and now, with different information or perspective, you judge yourself harshly for it.

Why Postpartum Guilt Is So Intense

Guilt about postpartum decisions isn’t just ordinary regret. It’s uniquely powerful because:

The stakes felt enormous: Every decision seemed to have massive implications for your baby’s health, development, and future. This amplifies the weight of choices that, in retrospect, may have been less consequential than they felt.

You were in an altered state: Sleep deprivation, hormonal fluctuations, physical pain, and emotional overwhelm literally impair judgment and decision-making. You weren’t operating at full capacity, yet you judge yourself as if you were.

Information was contradictory: For every choice, there were experts and studies supporting opposite conclusions. You had to decide despite conflicting information, yet you blame yourself for not choosing “correctly.”

Cultural messaging is relentless: Society sends constant messages about what good mothers do and don’t do. When your decisions deviate from these narratives, guilt follows.

You can’t undo it: Unlike many life decisions, you can’t go back and try again. Your baby is older now. That moment is gone. The permanence intensifies regret.

Your child is the consequence: When decisions involve other areas of life, you mainly bear the consequences. When decisions involve your child, guilt is magnified by fear you’ve harmed someone you love.

Comparison is everywhere: Social media and conversations with other parents constantly show you people who made different choices, triggering “what if” spirals.

You’re more informed now: With distance and education, you know more than you did then. But knowing more now doesn’t change what you knew then—though guilt makes you forget that.

The Truth About Your Decisions

Here’s what you need to hear about those decisions you’re carrying guilt about:

You Made the Best Decision You Could With What You Had

At the time you decided, you had:

The information available to you then (not what you know now)
The capacity you had in that moment (exhausted, hormonal, in pain, overwhelmed)
The resources accessible to you (support, money, time, options)
The mental and physical state you were in
The circumstances that existed then

You made the best decision available to you given ALL of those factors.

Looking back with more information, more rest, more perspective, and different circumstances doesn’t mean you made the wrong decision then. It means you’re judging your past self with present information—which is inherently unfair.

Small Decisions Rarely Have the Consequences You Fear

The decisions that haunt you probably didn’t have the catastrophic impact you fear:

Formula feeding doesn’t doom children to health problems or lower IQ
Sleep training (done appropriately) doesn’t cause attachment issues
Working doesn’t damage your bond or development
One difficult birth doesn’t predetermine your child’s entire psychology
Missing moments in the fog of postpartum depression doesn’t erase your importance

Yes, some choices matter. But most of what you’re carrying guilt about falls into the category of: “There are multiple valid ways to do this, and you chose one.”

Your child is likely fine. And if they’re not fine, it’s probably not because of the specific decision you’re fixated on.

Guilt Doesn’t Change the Past

You can carry this guilt forever, and it won’t:

Undo the decision
Change what happened
Protect your child from consequences (real or imagined)
Make you a better parent now
Prove you care enough

Guilt serves no functional purpose here. It’s not motivation for future behavior—it’s punishment for past choices. And punishing yourself doesn’t help anyone, especially not your child.

The Regret Might Be About Something Else

Sometimes what we think we regret isn’t actually the issue. The feeding decision you regret might actually be about:

Grief over how hard postpartum was
Anger at lack of support
Disappointment that things didn’t go as planned
Identity loss and transformation during matrescence
Unprocessed trauma from birth or postpartum mental health struggles

The decision becomes a container for all the difficult feelings you haven’t fully processed. Addressing the real underlying feelings often dissolves the surface-level guilt.

How to Move Through Guilt

1. Get Specific About What You Actually Regret

Vague guilt is harder to address than specific guilt.

Instead of: “I regret everything about those early months” Try: “I regret stopping breastfeeding at 6 weeks”

Then get even more specific:

What exactly do you regret about it?
What do you believe the consequences were/are?
What would you have done differently?
What would have needed to be different for that to be possible?

Often when you get specific, you realize either: (1) what you regret wasn’t actually possible given circumstances, or (2) what you regret isn’t about that decision at all.

2. Examine the “Should”

Guilt often centers on “should”:

“I should have tried harder”
“I should have known better”
“I should have handled it differently”

Question every should:

Says who? Where does this standard come from?
Was this actually possible given my circumstances?
Would meeting this “should” have actually changed outcomes?
Am I holding myself to a standard I wouldn’t hold others to?

Should usually translates to: “I’m judging my past self based on information, capacity, or circumstances I didn’t have then.”

3. Write a Letter to Your Past Self

Write from your current self to the person you were when you made that decision.

Include:

What you were dealing with then
What you knew and didn’t know
What resources you had and didn’t have
The impossible position you were in
Why the decision made sense given all that
Compassion for how hard it was
Forgiveness for being imperfect

This exercise often reveals how harsh you’re being toward someone (past you) who was doing their absolute best under terrible conditions.

4. Acknowledge What You Were Protecting

Most regretted decisions were attempts to protect something important:

Stopping breastfeeding protected your mental health
Sleep training protected your capacity to function
Returning to work protected your career/financial security/identity
Setting boundaries protected your wellbeing
Asking for medication protected your ability to parent

What were you protecting when you made this decision?

Was that protection invalid? Or was it necessary, even if costly in other ways?

5. Grieve the Ideal You Didn’t Get

Sometimes guilt is actually grief in disguise.

You’re not just regretting a decision—you’re grieving:

The postpartum experience you wanted but didn’t have
The mother you thought you’d be
The ease or joy you expected
The birth/feeding/bonding story you’d envisioned
The timeline things didn’t follow

Let yourself grieve what didn’t happen without judging yourself for the reality you got.

Grief is appropriate. Guilt is not.

6. Consider: What If You’re Wrong?

What if the decision you regret was actually fine? What if:

Your child is thriving regardless
The “ideal” choice would have had different but equally significant costs
Your guilt is based on fear, not evidence
You’re overestimating the impact of this single decision

Ask yourself: What evidence do I actually have that this decision harmed my child?

Often the answer is: “None. I just fear it did.”

7. Talk to Your Child’s Doctor or a Therapist

If you have specific concerns about whether a past decision harmed your child, ask a professional.

Often they’ll confirm: your child is fine, developing normally, showing no ill effects.

This external validation can help quiet the guilt your mind keeps generating.

If past decisions connect to trauma, unprocessed grief, or current mental health struggles, therapy can help you process these more effectively than carrying guilt alone.

8. Make Amends Where Possible (and Appropriate)

If your regret involves how you treated someone (your partner, older child, family member), you can apologize and repair.

Effective amends include:

Acknowledging specific behavior
Taking responsibility without excessive self-flagellation
Expressing genuine remorse
Stating what you’ll do differently
Following through with changed behavior

Example: “I was dealing with [postpartum rage/depression/overwhelm] and I took it out on you by [specific behavior]. That wasn’t okay, and I’m sorry. I’m working on [managing my emotions/getting help/responding differently].”

Important: This is only appropriate when amends serve the other person, not just your need to alleviate guilt.

9. Use It to Inform Future Decisions

The only productive use of regret is learning.

Ask:

What would I do differently with another child or in a similar situation?
What have I learned about my values, needs, or limits?
What support would I need to make a different choice?
How can I support others facing similar decisions?

This transforms useless guilt into useful wisdom.

10. Practice Self-Forgiveness

Self-forgiveness doesn’t mean the decision was perfect. It means:

Acknowledging you were imperfect under difficult circumstances
Releasing the punishment you’re inflicting on yourself
Accepting that you can’t change the past
Choosing to stop carrying this burden

A self-forgiveness practice: “I forgive myself for [specific decision]. I was doing my best with what I had. I release the guilt I’ve been carrying. I choose to move forward with compassion for who I was then and who I am now.”

You don’t have to feel it fully to practice it. Repetition creates change.

Special Cases: Complex Guilt

When Your Decision Involved Trauma

If your regretted decision was made during or after birth trauma, medical complications, or severe mental health crisis:

Remember:

Decisions made under trauma are survival decisions
Your capacity for optimal decision-making was severely compromised
You were trying to survive, not thrive
Trauma responses are not moral failings

Seek trauma-informed therapy to process both the trauma and the decisions made during it. You likely need professional support to separate trauma responses from “bad decisions.”

When You Actually Did Cause Harm

If your decision genuinely harmed someone (physically hurting your child during a rage episode, driving under the influence with them, severe neglect):

This requires different work:

Professional mental health support to understand what happened
Taking full responsibility (which is different from endless guilt)
Making meaningful amends
Ensuring it doesn’t happen again through treatment and support
Potentially legal or protective services involvement

Guilt here is appropriate and functional—it signals that behavior needs to change. Work with professionals to transform guilt into changed behavior and appropriate repair.

When the Decision Involves Someone Else’s Regret

Sometimes you’re carrying guilt about a decision someone else regrets:

Your partner regrets your choice about childcare
Your mother regrets how you handled something
Friends judge a choice you made

Remember: You are not responsible for managing others’ feelings about your decisions.

If your decision was thoughtful and appropriate for your family, others’ regret is theirs to manage, not yours to carry.

Set boundaries: “I understand you would have chosen differently. This was the right choice for our family.”

When Guilt Connects to Current Parenting

Sometimes guilt about past decisions affects how you parent now:

Overcompensation:

Trying to “make up for” past decisions by being permissive/overprotective now
Difficulty setting boundaries because you feel you don’t deserve to after “failing” before

Projection:

Interpreting normal child behavior as evidence of harm from your past decision
Catastrophizing current challenges as consequences of old choices

Inability to make decisions:

So afraid of future regret that you can’t decide anything
Analyzing every choice to the point of paralysis

Relationship impacts:

Guilt creating distance between you and your child
Inability to be present because you’re stuck in past regret

If guilt is interfering with current parenting, therapy can help you process it so it doesn’t continue affecting your family.

What to Tell Others Who Judge Your Decisions

You don’t owe explanations, but if people criticize past decisions:

“I made the best decision I could with the information and circumstances I had at that time.”

“My child is thriving, which tells me we made the right choice for our family.”

“I’m not open to revisiting or defending decisions from years ago.”

“Every family is different. What worked for you might not have worked for us.”

“I’ve made peace with my choices. I hope you can too.”

You don’t need others’ approval or understanding. Their judgment is about them, not about you.

Teaching Your Children About Imperfect Decisions

As your children grow, they’ll make imperfect decisions too. How you handle your own regret models how they’ll handle theirs.

What kids learn when you can’t forgive yourself:

Mistakes are unforgivable
You should punish yourself forever for imperfect decisions
There’s a “right” answer that you should have found
Imperfection equals unworthiness

What kids learn when you practice self-compassion:

Everyone makes imperfect decisions sometimes
You can learn from mistakes without endless self-punishment
Context and circumstances matter
Forgiveness (including self-forgiveness) is possible

Which lesson do you want to teach?

The Timeline for Letting Go

There’s no timeline for releasing guilt. For some people it takes months; for others, years. Some guilt dissolves suddenly; some fades gradually.

What helps:

Professional therapy when guilt is persistent or intense
Processing with trusted people who offer compassion, not judgment
Time and distance from the postpartum period
Seeing your child thrive despite your “mistakes”
Working actively on self-forgiveness rather than waiting for it to happen naturally
Building a more compassionate internal voice generally

What doesn’t help:

Waiting for certainty that your decision didn’t cause harm (you’ll never have absolute certainty)
Seeking reassurance from others repeatedly (external validation helps momentarily but doesn’t resolve internal guilt)
Ruminating and replaying scenarios (this reinforces guilt rather than resolving it)
Comparing to what others did (everyone’s circumstances are different)

The Gift of Imperfection

Here’s what might sound impossible right now: your imperfect decisions might actually benefit your child.

Children need to see:

Parents who make mistakes and recover
Adults who forgive themselves
People who make hard choices in impossible circumstances
Humans who do their best without being perfect

Your regretted decision might teach your child:

That their own imperfect decisions won’t define them
That circumstances matter more than ideals
That self-compassion is more valuable than perfection
That people can make hard choices and still be good

The guilt you carry about not being perfect might be preventing you from seeing that your imperfection is actually a gift.

Moving Forward

You made decisions during one of the most vulnerable, difficult periods of human life. You were:

Exhausted beyond measure
Hormonally volatile
Physically recovering
Emotionally overwhelmed
Information-overloaded
Under-supported
Learning everything for the first time

And still, you kept your baby alive. You made impossible decisions with insufficient information. You did your best even when your best looked different than you’d imagined.

That’s not failure. That’s remarkable.

The guilt you’re carrying doesn’t make you a better parent. It makes you a suffering one.

Your child doesn’t need a mother consumed by guilt about the past. They need a mother who’s present now, who can forgive herself for being imperfect, who models resilience and self-compassion.

That mother is you. Not the perfect version who never made mistakes, but the real version who made hard choices and survived them.

You can’t change what happened. But you can change how you carry it.

You can put down the guilt. It’s served no useful purpose. It’s time to let it go.

Not because your decisions were all perfect—they weren’t. Nobody’s are.

But because you deserve to move forward. Your child deserves a mother who’s not haunted by the past. And the person you were then deserves compassion, not endless punishment.

Forgive her. Forgive yourself. You were doing the best you could.

And somehow, against all odds, it was enough.

Need Support Processing Postpartum Regret?

If you’re struggling with guilt about past decisions, unable to forgive yourself, or finding that regret is interfering with your present parenting and wellbeing, professional support can help you process and release what you’re carrying.

Book a session with me to work through postpartum guilt, develop self-forgiveness practices, and rebuild compassion for the person you were during an impossibly difficult time.

Inner critic making guilt worse? Read: Breaking the Cycle: Identifying and Quieting Your Inner Critic as a Mother

Struggling with letting go generally? Check out: Beyond Resentment: How to Reconnect with Your Partner After PPD

Moving Past Guilt: When You Regret Your Postpartum Decisions