I was drowning. Literally sobbing in my bathroom at 3 AM because I hadn’t showered in four days, the baby had been cluster feeding for hours, my body hurt everywhere, and I was so exhausted I couldn’t think straight. My mother-in-law had texted earlier that day offering to come help, and I’d said no. “We’re fine!” I’d written back, with an emoji for good measure.
We were not fine. I was not fine. But admitting I needed help felt like admitting I was failing at the one thing I was supposed to be able to do: take care of my own baby.
It took me weeks to understand that asking for help isn’t failing at motherhood—it’s succeeding at being human. But getting to that understanding required unlearning years of cultural messaging about self-sufficiency, maternal instinct, and what “good mothers” are supposed to be able to handle alone.
If you’re struggling to ask for help postpartum, if you feel like needing support means you’re inadequate, if you’re suffering in silence because you don’t want to burden anyone—this is for you.
Why Asking for Help Feels Like Failure
The shame around asking for help isn’t random—it’s deeply embedded in how we’re socialized, particularly around motherhood.
The myth of maternal instinct: We’re told mothers “just know” what to do, that caring for babies comes naturally. When it doesn’t (and it often doesn’t), we assume something’s wrong with us rather than with the myth.
The glorification of self-sufficiency: Western culture valorizes independence and self-reliance. Needing others is framed as weakness, especially for adults and especially for mothers.
The Instagram illusion: Social media shows us curated images of mothers who seem to effortlessly manage everything. We don’t see the nannies, the helpers, the edited reality—we just see someone doing it “better” than we are.
Gender expectations: Women are socialized to be caregivers and nurturers, to put others’ needs first, to not make demands. Asking for help violates these deeply ingrained expectations.
The invisible village: Previous generations had built-in support systems—extended family, neighbors, communities where childcare was shared. That village has largely disappeared, but the expectation that you should manage remains.
Comparison to others: When other mothers say they’re “fine” or seem to be handling everything, you assume they actually are fine, not that they’re also suffering in silence.
Fear of judgment: What if people think you’re a bad mother? What if they criticize your choices? What if asking for help confirms you’re not cut out for this?
These beliefs create a perfect storm where the people who most need help feel least able to ask for it.
The Cost of Not Asking
Refusing to ask for help doesn’t make you stronger—it makes you depleted, resentful, and at risk.
Mental health deteriorates: Sleep deprivation, isolation, and constant overwhelm without relief are risk factors for postpartum depression, anxiety, and rage.
Physical health suffers: Your body needs rest to heal from pregnancy and birth. Pushing through without support delays recovery and can cause lasting damage.
Relationships strain: When you’re drowning, you have nothing left to give your partner, other children, or yourself. Resentment builds. Partnership dynamics worsen.
Bonding is impacted: When you’re in survival mode, you can’t be present with your baby. The moments that could be connecting become just another demand you can’t meet.
The overwhelm compounds: Without relief, small stressors become crises. Your capacity to cope decreases as exhaustion increases.
You model unhealthy patterns: If you have older children, they’re learning that asking for help is shameful and that you should suffer alone rather than reach out.
The cost of not asking for help is always higher than the temporary discomfort of asking.
Reframing Help as Essential, Not Failure
Help is not a luxury for people who can’t cope—it’s a biological necessity:
Human babies are the most dependent infants in the animal kingdom. They require constant care for years. Humans evolved to raise children in cooperative groups, not in isolated nuclear families. The expectation that one or two people can meet all of a baby’s needs without additional support is historically anomalous and biologically unrealistic.
Needing help doesn’t mean you’re inadequate. It means you’re a mammal.
Successful mothers aren’t the ones who do it alone—they’re the ones who build support systems:
Research consistently shows that social support is the strongest protective factor against postpartum mental health issues. The mothers who thrive aren’t superhuman—they’re resourced.
Asking for help models healthy behavior for your children:
You’re teaching them that:
- Humans need each other
- It’s strong to acknowledge limitations
- Community matters more than individual achievement
- Self-care is important, not selfish
Help isn’t taking something you don’t deserve—it’s accepting what you need:
You wouldn’t feel guilty accepting medical care for a broken leg. Postpartum support is equally necessary care.
What Kind of Help You Actually Need
“Let me know if you need anything!” is well-intentioned but useless. When you’re overwhelmed, you can’t even identify what would help, let alone ask for it.
Here’s what actually helps postpartum:
Sleep Support
What it looks like:
- Someone takes a night shift so you can sleep 4-6 hours uninterrupted
- Someone watches the baby for a nap
- Someone handles morning care so you can sleep in
Why it matters: Sleep deprivation undermines everything—mental health, physical recovery, emotional regulation, bonding capacity. Sleep isn’t optional.
Food
What it looks like:
- Someone brings prepared meals
- Someone grocery shops with a specific list
- Someone cooks a large batch of freezable meals
- Someone sits with you and makes sure you eat
Why it matters: You can’t care for others if you’re not fed. Proper nutrition supports healing, milk production (if breastfeeding), and mental health.
Household Tasks
What it looks like:
- Someone does laundry
- Someone washes dishes or cleans the kitchen
- Someone tidies the main living areas
- Someone handles the mental load of managing household tasks
Why it matters: A chaotic environment increases stress. You can’t rest if you’re constantly aware of undone tasks.
Baby Holding
What it looks like:
- Someone holds the baby while you shower, eat, or sleep
- Someone takes the baby for a walk so you have genuine alone time
- Someone handles a fussy evening so you can decompress
Why it matters: Contact breaks are essential when you’re being touched constantly. You need time to exist as yourself, not just as a feeding vessel.
Emotional Support
What it looks like:
- Someone listens without offering advice or judgment
- Someone validates that this is hard
- Someone who’s been through it reassures you
- Someone checks in regularly: “How are you really?”
Why it matters: Feeling seen and validated reduces isolation and shame.
Practical Advocacy
What it looks like:
- Someone drives you to appointments
- Someone helps you communicate needs to healthcare providers
- Someone researches resources or solutions
- Someone sets boundaries with others on your behalf
Why it matters: When you’re overwhelmed and sleep-deprived, navigating systems is nearly impossible.
Partner Support
What it looks like:
- Your partner taking full responsibility during designated times
- Your partner learning baby care tasks without you having to teach
- Your partner proactively identifying needs without being asked
- Your partner protecting your rest and recovery
Why it matters: Partnership shouldn’t be one person doing everything while the other “helps.” It should be shared responsibility.
How to Actually Ask for Help
Knowing you need help and asking for it are different skills. Here’s how to bridge that gap:
Be Specific
Ineffective: “I could use some help.” Effective: “Could you come over Tuesday at 2 PM and hold the baby for an hour while I nap?”
Ineffective: “Let me know if you can help with anything.” Effective: “Could you pick up groceries? Here’s a list. Delivery to my door is perfect; you don’t need to come in.”
Ineffective: “I’m really struggling.” Effective: “I need someone to take the night shift Friday so I can sleep. Can you do that or do you know someone who could?”
Specific requests are easier for people to say yes to and more likely to meet your actual needs.
Offer Different Ways to Help
Some people are comfortable with hands-on baby care; others aren’t. Provide options:
“I need help this week. Would you prefer to:
- Hold the baby for a couple hours so I can rest?
- Drop off a meal (no visit needed)?
- Run errands with a grocery list?
- Do a load of laundry?”
Multiple options increase the likelihood someone can help in a way that works for them.
Make It Easy to Say Yes
Remove barriers to helping:
Provide exact information:
- “Tuesday, 2-4 PM” not “sometime this week”
- “Here’s the grocery list and our address” not “whatever you think we need”
- “Just leave it on the porch; you don’t need to come in” not vague expectations
Clarify expectations:
- “You don’t need to entertain me—I’ll be sleeping”
- “The house is messy; please ignore it”
- “I might not be showered or dressed; that’s fine”
Accept imperfect help:
- They load the dishwasher differently? It’s clean; that’s what matters
- They hold the baby in a way you wouldn’t? If baby’s safe, it’s fine
- They bring food you wouldn’t have chosen? You’re fed; that’s the goal
Use Scripts That Feel Comfortable
If asking directly feels too hard, try these scripts:
To family: “We’d love for you to meet the baby. The most helpful time would be [specific time], and if you could bring a meal or hold the baby while I shower, that would be amazing.”
To friends: “I’m drowning and need help. Would you be able to [specific task]? It would make a huge difference.”
To partner: “I need to be completely off duty from 10 PM to 6 AM tonight. Can you handle everything so I can actually sleep?”
To acquaintances/community: “We’re establishing our postpartum routine and could really use [meal train/grocery delivery/cleaning service]. Would you be interested in contributing?”
To professionals: “I need to hire [postpartum doula/cleaning service/lactation consultant]. Do you have recommendations?”
Ask Before You’re Desperate
Don’t wait until you’re in crisis. Ask for help when you first notice you’re struggling, not when you’re on the brink of collapse.
Early intervention is easier:
- People are more available on short notice
- You can communicate more clearly
- Smaller amounts of help prevent escalation
- You establish patterns of asking early
Crisis help is still valid: Even if you’ve waited until you’re desperate, it’s not too late. “I should have asked sooner, but I need help now” is a complete sentence.
Handling Common Responses
“Just ask if you need anything!”
This puts the burden on you to identify and request help while overwhelmed.
Response: “Thank you! Actually, I do need [specific thing] on [specific day]. Would that work for you?”
Take them at their word and ask specifically.
“You seem like you’re doing great!”
They can’t see your reality. Your Instagram posts or brief interactions don’t reflect your lived experience.
Response: “I’m actually really struggling. I could use [specific help]. Are you available?”
Give them accurate information so they can respond appropriately.
“I did it alone and was fine.”
This might be true, might be selective memory, or might be them having suffered unnecessarily.
Response: “I’m glad that worked for you. I need support, and I’m asking for it.”
You don’t need to justify your needs or argue about their experience.
“Are you sure you’re okay? Should you see someone?”
Sometimes asking for help triggers concern that you’re not coping, especially if people aren’t used to you asking.
Response: “I’m managing, but I need support. That’s normal and healthy. Can you help with [specific thing]?”
Normalize that needing help doesn’t mean you’re in crisis (though if you are in crisis, getting professional help is crucial).
“I’m not comfortable with babies.”
Totally valid. Redirect to non-baby tasks.
Response: “That’s fine! Could you help with [meals/laundry/groceries/errands] instead?”
No response or “I can’t right now.”
Not everyone can or will help. That’s okay. Keep asking others.
Response: “No problem, thank you for considering it.”
Then ask someone else. One “no” doesn’t mean you should stop asking.
When Your Partner Isn’t Helping
If your partner is physically present but not providing meaningful support, this needs direct conversation:
Start with your needs: “I need [specific support]. Right now I’m not getting that, and I’m struggling.”
Be specific about changes needed: “I need you to take full responsibility for [specific timeframes/tasks] without me having to ask or manage it.”
Explain the impact: “When I don’t get sleep/food/breaks, I’m at risk for [mental health issues/physical problems]. This is serious.”
Propose solutions: “Let’s divide [nights/mornings/tasks] specifically. Here’s what I propose.”
Set consequences: “If this doesn’t change, I need to [hire help/ask family to move in/take other action].”
If your partner is resistant, dismissive, or unable to step up, this is a significant relationship issue that may require couples counseling or reevaluation of the relationship.
Hiring Professional Help
Sometimes family and friends can’t or won’t provide adequate support. Hiring help isn’t admitting defeat—it’s problem-solving.
Types of professional postpartum support:
- Postpartum doulas: Provide practical and emotional postpartum support
- Night nurses/nannies: Handle night care so you can sleep
- Lactation consultants: Support feeding challenges
- Housekeepers: Maintain your environment
- Meal delivery services: Ensure you’re fed
- Therapists: Support mental health
- Pelvic floor PT: Address physical recovery
If money is tight:
- Sliding scale therapists exist
- Some doulas offer reduced rates
- Community meal trains are free
- Many areas have postpartum support groups
- Insurance may cover some services (lactation, therapy, PT)
Investing in help now prevents more costly interventions later (both financially and emotionally).
Building Your Postpartum Support Team
Don’t rely on one person. Build a diverse support network:
Practical support people: Those who do tasks—cook, clean, hold baby, run errands
Emotional support people: Those who listen, validate, and understand
Professional support: Healthcare providers, therapists, doulas, lactation consultants
Peer support: Other parents who get what you’re experiencing
Partner: Your co-parent who shares full responsibility
Extended family: If supportive and respectful of boundaries
Different people meet different needs. Having variety means you’re not depleted if one person becomes unavailable.
When Help Comes With Strings
Sometimes help comes with judgment, unwanted advice, or boundary violations. This requires careful navigation:
Set clear boundaries: “Thank you for coming. What would help most is [specific task]. I’m not taking advice right now, just needing support with tasks.”
Limit visits: “I appreciate the help, but I need you to leave by 2 PM so I can rest.”
Decline problematic help: If someone’s “help” creates more stress than it relieves, it’s not help. “Thank you, but I think we’re okay for now.”
Choose your helpers carefully: Prioritize people who respect your choices, follow your lead, and don’t make it about them.
Help that comes with shame, criticism, or stress isn’t worth accepting.
Teaching Others How to Help
Many people genuinely want to help but don’t know how. You can guide them:
Educate about postpartum needs: “What helps most is [specific things]. What doesn’t help is [unsolicited advice/long visits/judgment].”
Model asking directly: By asking specifically, you show others it’s okay to be direct about needs.
Appreciate help given: “Thank you so much for [specific thing]. It made a huge difference.” This reinforces helpful behavior.
Redirect unhelpful “help”: “I appreciate you wanting to help. What would actually be useful is [alternative].”
Most people want to support you—they just need clarity about how.
Asking for Help From Yourself
Sometimes the person you most need help from is you. This means:
Lowering your standards: The house doesn’t need to be perfect. You don’t need to be showered and dressed. “Good enough” is the goal.
Releasing guilt: You’re not failing by needing help, by not enjoying every moment, or by finding this hard.
Accepting your limitations: You can’t do everything. Choosing what matters most means accepting what doesn’t get done.
Being compassionate with yourself: You’d offer grace to a friend struggling. Offer it to yourself.
Recognizing this is temporary: This intensity won’t last forever. Get through it with whatever support you need.
Mindfulness practices can help you extend compassion to yourself during this vulnerable time.
The Transformation
Something shifts when you start asking for help. Initially, it feels vulnerable and uncomfortable. But gradually, you realize:
You’re not a burden—you’re someone experiencing a major life transition that requires support.
People usually want to help—they just need specific direction.
Accepting help makes you more connected, not less capable.
Your children benefit from seeing you prioritize wellbeing over perfection.
The village you need doesn’t appear magically—you build it by asking.
Asking for help doesn’t mean you’ve failed at motherhood. It means you’re succeeding at being human.
Starting Today
If you need help right now:
- Identify one specific need: What would make the biggest difference today? Sleep? Food? Shower? Emotional support?
- Choose one person to ask: Who is most likely to say yes and actually be helpful?
- Craft a specific request: “[Name], could you [specific action] at [specific time]? It would really help me.”
- Send the message before you talk yourself out of it.
- If they say no, ask someone else.
You don’t have to ask perfectly. You don’t have to ask everyone. You just have to start.
The help you need exists. The people willing to give it are out there. The only thing standing between you and support is the belief that you should be able to do this alone.
You shouldn’t. You can’t. And you don’t have to.
Ask for help. You deserve it.
Ready to Build Your Support System?
If you’re struggling to ask for help, identify what support you need, or navigate the emotional complexity of accepting support postpartum, I can help you work through those barriers.
Book a session with me to develop strategies for building your postpartum support system and releasing the shame that’s keeping you isolated.
Drowning in overwhelm and need immediate coping strategies? Read: The Power of the Pause: Using Mindfulness to Fight Postpartum Overwhelm
Need help getting your partner to share responsibility? Check out: Dividing the Mental Load: A Fair System for Partners and Co-Parents
