The baby was finally asleep. I’d been trying for an hour—bouncing, rocking, singing, walking. When her eyes finally closed and her breathing settled into that soft rhythm, I should have felt relief.
Instead, a voice in my head immediately said: “It shouldn’t have taken that long. Other mothers can get their babies down in ten minutes. You’re doing something wrong. You’re not cut out for this.”
That voice—my inner critic—had become louder and more vicious since becoming a mother. It narrated my days with a running commentary of everything I was failing at, everything I should be doing better, all the ways I was inadequate.
I was exhausted. Not just from the sleep deprivation and constant caregiving, but from the relentless internal assault of my own thoughts.
If you have a voice in your head that tells you you’re not good enough, that everyone else is doing it better, that you’re failing at motherhood—you’re not alone. And more importantly, you can learn to quiet it.
What the Inner Critic Actually Is
Your inner critic isn’t your intuition, your conscience, or the truth. It’s a psychological pattern—a collection of critical thoughts and beliefs you’ve internalized over your lifetime that now masquerade as your own voice.
Where it comes from:
- Messages you received as a child about who you should be
- Societal expectations about motherhood, women’s roles, and achievement
- Past experiences of criticism, rejection, or failure
- Perfectionist tendencies developed as coping mechanisms
- Cultural narratives about “good mothers” and “bad mothers”
- Comparison to others (especially amplified by social media)
- Your own parents’ inner critics that you absorbed
What it sounds like:
- “You’re a terrible mother”
- “Everyone else makes this look easy”
- “You should be doing more/better/different”
- “Your baby deserves better than you”
- “You’re ruining your child”
- “You’re too sensitive/anxious/angry/emotional”
- “Real mothers would know what to do”
What it does:
- Creates constant anxiety and self-doubt
- Intensifies feelings of inadequacy and failure
- Prevents you from being present with your baby
- Damages your mental health and self-worth
- Keeps you stuck in cycles of shame
- Makes every mistake feel catastrophic
- Steals joy from positive moments
The inner critic isn’t trying to help you improve—it’s trying to protect you from perceived danger (judgment, rejection, failure) by keeping you in line. But the cost is enormous.
Why Motherhood Amplifies the Inner Critic
If you had an inner critic before becoming a mother, it likely intensified dramatically postpartum. If you didn’t struggle with it before, you might be encountering it for the first time. Here’s why:
The stakes feel higher: You’re responsible for another human’s wellbeing. Every decision feels weighted with enormous consequence. The inner critic exploits this vulnerability.
Everything is new: You’re learning constantly, making mistakes, feeling incompetent. The critic has endless material to work with.
You’re being judged (or feel like you are): From family members to strangers in the grocery store to social media, everyone seems to have opinions about how you’re parenting. The inner critic amplifies this.
There’s no objective “right way”: Conflicting advice, cultural expectations, and personal values create ambiguity. The critic uses this uncertainty against you.
Your identity is shifting: During matrescence, you’re becoming someone new while grieving who you were. The critic exploits this instability.
You’re exhausted and vulnerable: Sleep deprivation and overwhelm reduce your resilience, making the critic’s voice harder to resist.
Comparison is everywhere: Social media shows you curated versions of other people’s motherhood, giving the critic constant ammunition.
Past wounds resurface: Becoming a mother often triggers unresolved issues from your own childhood, giving the critic historical material to weaponize.
The inner critic thrives in conditions of vulnerability, uncertainty, and high stakes—exactly what defines early motherhood.
Identifying Your Specific Inner Critic Patterns
Your inner critic has patterns—favorite attacks, recurring themes, specific triggers. Identifying these patterns is the first step to dismantling them.
Common Inner Critic Themes
The Comparison Critic:
- “She gets her baby to sleep so easily—what’s wrong with you?”
- “Look at her body three months postpartum—you’re nowhere close”
- “Other mothers seem to love every minute—why don’t you?”
The Should Critic:
- “You should be enjoying this more”
- “You should know how to do this by now”
- “You should be [breastfeeding/working/staying home/something different]”
The Catastrophizing Critic:
- “You’re ruining your child”
- “This one mistake will have permanent consequences”
- “You’re damaging them irreparably”
The Never Enough Critic:
- “You’re not doing enough”
- “You need to do more research/be more prepared/try harder”
- “No matter what you do, it’s inadequate”
The Identity Critic:
- “You’ve lost yourself”
- “You’re not who you used to be”
- “The old you was better/more interesting/more valuable”
The Body Critic:
- “Your body is disgusting/damaged/wrong”
- “Your stretch marks prove you’ve failed”
- “You need to fix yourself immediately”
The Anger Critic:
- “Good mothers don’t feel rage“
- “Your anger means you’re a bad person”
- “You’re damaging your child with your emotions”
Tracking Your Critic
For one week, notice when your inner critic speaks. You might write down:
- What triggered it (specific situation or moment)
- What it said (exact words if possible)
- What feeling preceded it (anxiety, shame, fatigue)
- What theme it fits into
Pattern recognition is power. Once you see the patterns, you can interrupt them.
The Difference Between Inner Critic and Healthy Self-Reflection
It’s important to distinguish the inner critic from genuine self-reflection or growth.
Inner Critic:
- Harsh, attacking, shaming tone
- Absolutist language (“always,” “never,” “terrible,” “ruined”)
- Focuses on your worth as a person
- Offers no constructive path forward
- Feels defeating and paralyzing
- Increases shame and anxiety
- Ignores context and circumstances
Healthy Self-Reflection:
- Compassionate, curious tone
- Specific, nuanced language
- Focuses on behaviors, not worth
- Identifies concrete actions you could take
- Feels motivating (even if uncomfortable)
- Increases learning and growth
- Considers context and contributing factors
Example:
- Inner Critic: “You yelled at your toddler. You’re a terrible mother. You’re traumatizing them. You’re just like your own mother. You shouldn’t have kids.”
- Healthy Self-Reflection: “I yelled when I was exhausted and triggered. That’s not how I want to respond. I can apologize to my child and identify what I need (more sleep, support, regulation tools) to respond differently next time.”
Strategies to Quiet the Inner Critic
1. Name It and Externalize It
Give your inner critic a name or identity separate from you. This creates psychological distance.
Examples:
- “That’s my inner critic talking”
- “The critic is particularly loud today”
- “Oh, there’s the perfectionist voice again”
Some people name their critic specifically (The Judge, The Perfectionist, Critical Carol). This reminds you that these thoughts aren’t truth—they’re a pattern you can observe.
Practice: When a critical thought arises: “That’s my inner critic saying I’m a terrible mother. That’s not truth—that’s a pattern.”
2. Challenge the Thoughts
Question the critic’s statements like you would a hostile witness:
What’s the evidence?
- Critic: “You’re a terrible mother”
- Response: “What evidence supports this? I fed my baby, changed them, kept them safe. What evidence contradicts it? My baby is loved and cared for.”
Is this actually true?
- Critic: “Everyone else makes this look easy”
- Response: “Do I actually know that? Or am I seeing curated highlights and assuming they reflect reality?”
Would I say this to someone I love?
- Critic: “You’re ruining your child”
- Response: “Would I say this to my best friend? If not, why am I saying it to myself?”
Is this helpful?
- Critic: “You should be doing better”
- Response: “Is this thought helping me improve or just making me feel worse?”
3. Replace with Compassionate Alternatives
You don’t have to believe the compassionate alternative immediately—just introduce it as a counter-narrative.
Critic: “You’re failing at everything” Alternative: “I’m learning something incredibly difficult during an exhausting time”
Critic: “Your body is ruined” Alternative: “My body changed because it grew a human. That’s transformation, not damage”
Critic: “You should be enjoying every moment” Alternative: “Motherhood includes joy and struggle. Both are valid experiences”
Critic: “You’re too angry to be a good mother” Alternative: “Postpartum rage is a symptom I’m experiencing, not who I am”
Practice introducing these alternatives even when you don’t fully believe them yet. Repetition creates new neural pathways.
4. Talk Back to the Critic
Give yourself permission to be angry at the inner critic. Talk back to it directly:
- “That’s not helpful”
- “I don’t accept that”
- “That’s a lie”
- “Fuck off” (sometimes the most healing response)
- “I’m not listening to you right now”
Some people find this feels silly initially. Do it anyway. You’re reclaiming power over thoughts that have controlled you.
5. Practice Self-Compassion
Self-compassion isn’t self-indulgence—it’s treating yourself with the same kindness you’d offer someone you care about.
Dr. Kristin Neff’s three components of self-compassion:
Self-kindness: Instead of harsh judgment, offer yourself warmth and understanding
- “This is really hard. I’m doing my best under difficult circumstances”
Common humanity: Recognize that struggle is part of being human, not unique to you
- “All mothers struggle. All mothers make mistakes. I’m not alone in this”
Mindfulness: Observe difficult thoughts and emotions without being overwhelmed by them
- “I’m noticing thoughts that I’m failing. Those are thoughts, not facts”
Mindfulness practices can help you create space between you and the critic’s voice.
6. Limit Comparison Triggers
Your inner critic feeds on comparison. Reduce exposure to triggers:
Curate social media ruthlessly:
- Unfollow accounts that trigger comparison and inadequacy
- Follow diverse, real representations of motherhood
- Take social media breaks when the critic is particularly loud
Decline toxic conversations:
- You don’t have to participate in “whose kid is doing what” competitions
- Set boundaries with people who constantly compare or judge
- Choose authentic, non-judgmental friendships
Stop looking for evidence of your inadequacy:
- Notice when you’re seeking information specifically to confirm you’re failing
- Recognize this as the critic’s strategy to keep you small
7. Address Underlying Needs
Often, the inner critic intensifies when core needs aren’t met.
Check if you need:
- Sleep (the critic is loudest when you’re exhausted)
- Food (low blood sugar amplifies negative thoughts)
- Support (isolation intensifies the critic)
- Boundaries (lack of boundaries creates resentment the critic exploits)
- Medical attention (thyroid issues, PPD, anxiety can amplify the critic)
Meeting basic needs won’t eliminate the critic, but it reduces its power significantly.
If you’re struggling with anxiety or depression, treating the underlying condition often quiets the critic dramatically.
8. Reframe “Mistakes”
The inner critic weaponizes mistakes. Reframe how you think about them:
Old frame: “I made a mistake = I’m a failure” New frame: “I made a mistake = I’m learning”
Practice:
- “I’m learning to read my baby’s cues”
- “I’m learning to manage my own regulation while parenting”
- “I’m learning what my limits are”
- “I’m learning to ask for help“
Learning includes mistakes. Mistakes don’t mean you’re bad at something—they mean you’re in the process of becoming competent.
9. Develop a “Good Enough” Standard
Perfectionism fuels the inner critic. “Good enough” is a revolutionary stance.
Ask yourself:
- Is my baby safe, fed, and cared for? Then I’m doing enough.
- Am I showing up with love even when I’m struggling? Then I’m doing enough.
- Am I trying to repair when I make mistakes? Then I’m doing enough.
Good enough mothering includes:
- Making mistakes and repairing them
- Having bad days
- Not enjoying every moment
- Asking for help
- Setting boundaries
- Taking care of yourself
- Being imperfect
Your baby doesn’t need perfect. They need present, loving, and “good enough.”
10. Work the Inner Critic in Therapy
If the inner critic is deeply entrenched, therapy can help:
Therapeutic approaches that help:
- Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT): Identifies and challenges distorted thoughts
- Internal Family Systems (IFS): Works with different “parts” of yourself, including the critic
- Compassion-Focused Therapy: Explicitly develops self-compassion as antidote to self-criticism
- EMDR: Processes traumatic origins of the inner critic
A therapist can help you understand where your specific critic came from and develop personalized strategies to quiet it.
When the Critic Is Your Mother’s Voice
For many people, the inner critic sounds suspiciously like a parent’s voice—particularly their mother’s.
If your inner critic echoes your mother:
Recognize the origin: “This is what my mother said/would say. I don’t have to accept this as truth.”
Grieve what you needed: You needed a mother who built you up, not tore you down. That grief is valid.
Consciously choose different: “My mother criticized me this way. I choose not to continue that pattern with myself or my child.”
Set boundaries with the actual person: If your mother still criticizes you, setting boundaries protects you from reinforcing the internal voice.
Consider therapy: Unpacking maternal wounds often requires professional support.
Breaking generational patterns of criticism is hard, important work. You’re not just healing yourself—you’re changing what you pass to your children.
What to Tell Your Inner Critic
When the critic speaks, you can respond:
“Thank you for trying to protect me, but I don’t need this kind of protection anymore.”
The critic developed to keep you safe from judgment, rejection, or failure. Acknowledge its original protective intent while declining its current “help.”
“I’m doing the best I can with the resources I have right now.”
This acknowledges reality without shame. Your best changes based on circumstances—that’s normal.
“This thought isn’t serving me.”
You don’t have to prove the thought wrong—just recognize it’s not useful.
“I’m learning.”
Three words that reframe everything. You’re not failing—you’re in process.
“My child needs a good enough mother who takes care of herself, not a perfect mother who’s falling apart.”
Reminds you that perfection isn’t the goal or even desirable.
Teaching Your Children Differently
One powerful motivation for quieting your inner critic: you’re modeling for your children how to talk to themselves.
Children internalize:
- How you talk to yourself when you make mistakes
- How you treat your body
- Whether imperfection is acceptable
- If mistakes are catastrophes or learning opportunities
- Whether needing help is shameful or normal
When you catch yourself being self-critical in front of your children:
- Repair it: “I just said something mean to myself. That wasn’t kind. Let me try again.”
- Model self-compassion: “I made a mistake. That’s okay—everyone makes mistakes. I’ll try again.”
- Name the pattern: “Sometimes I’m too hard on myself. I’m working on being kinder.”
You’re not just healing yourself—you’re changing the narrative for the next generation.
The Long Journey
Quieting the inner critic isn’t a one-time accomplishment. It’s ongoing practice, especially during vulnerable times like postpartum.
You’ll have setbacks: The critic will resurge during stress, exhaustion, or triggering situations. This doesn’t mean you’ve failed—it means you’re human.
Progress isn’t linear: Some days the critic will be whisper-quiet; others it will scream. Both are part of the process.
Self-compassion about self-criticism: Yes, you’ll be critical of yourself for being critical of yourself. Notice the irony, be gentle, try again.
Celebrate small wins: Catching the critic once today is progress. Talking back once is victory. Choosing one compassionate thought is success.
The goal isn’t perfection (the critic would love that standard). The goal is awareness, interruption, and gradually building a kinder internal voice.
Moving Forward
The inner critic will probably never disappear completely. But it can become quieter, less frequent, less powerful.
You can develop an internal voice that sounds more like a wise, compassionate friend than a harsh judge. One that acknowledges difficulty without attacking your worth. One that motivates through encouragement rather than shame.
That voice is already within you, underneath the critic’s noise. Every time you question a critical thought, offer yourself compassion, or refuse to accept shame—you’re strengthening it.
Your inner critic developed over decades. It won’t vanish overnight. But every day you practice questioning it, every moment you choose a kinder thought, you’re rewiring your brain.
You deserve to be spoken to with kindness—by others and by yourself. Your children deserve to see someone modeling self-compassion. And you deserve to experience motherhood without a constant internal assault.
The critic’s voice is loud, but it’s not true. And it doesn’t have to control you.
You’re not a terrible mother. You’re a human being doing something impossibly hard with imperfect tools and insufficient support.
That’s not failure. That’s courage.
Start questioning the critic today. Start talking back. Start choosing compassion.
The voice inside your head can change. And when it does, everything else changes too.
Need Support Quieting Your Inner Critic?
If your inner critic is relentless, if self-criticism is affecting your mental health and experience of motherhood, or if you need help developing self-compassion practices, I’m here to help.
Book a session with me to work through patterns of self-criticism, develop healthier internal dialogue, and build genuine self-compassion during this vulnerable time.
Inner critic intensifying anxiety? Read: The Link Between Sleep Deprivation and Postpartum Anxiety (And What to Do)
Struggling with identity changes the critic exploits? Check out: Journaling for Matrescence: Prompts to Navigate Identity Loss and Change
